Get the Dog!  Moments from a Caregiver-Mom

When my kids asked me things I wasn’t  prepared to answer my response was usually 

What? No. Why? Rapid fire. Sometimes out loud, sometimes in my head, but the rapid “What-No-Why” was my go to.

Once I gave it thought, I could ask some “tell me more” questions to gain clarity. Only then could the negotiating begin. Most times we could meet in the middle and the middle was often precreated in my head—my goal for the negotiation was to get us all there.

Add Cassie.

Add cancer.

“Can I have a dog?”

“What? No. Why? We have a dog. Puddles. You love him.”

“I want my own dog” 

What-No-Why was ringing in my head but I said only~

“WHY?”

“Cancer has been all about everything I’ve lost or have to do, I want something good that would only happen because I have cancer, something you’d never let me normally do.”

Well…dang. What-No-Why felt small. 

She had me there. Is there a middle?

Being a middle child, Cassie was a skilled negotiator. She knew who to go to first for what (mom for doing things, dad for buying things). This ask was more about the “doing” so here we were.

I was left with zero negotiation power, except maybe the breed.

“Do you have a dog in mind?’

Of course she did.

Of course she had already reached out to the breeder.

Cassie had put “a hold” on an oversized-male Yorkie; he was adorable. I was sold and Chris is a pushover. Scooter was about to join the family. Chris’s only comment to me was “You do know, you’re going to be responsible for the dog. She’ll lose interest.” 

We picked up Scooter from a breeder in Reed City, brought him to the Valentine cottage for the weekend and the rest is history. 

Cassie never lost interest, although Chris did have to pick him up a few times in East Lansing when Cassie had to study (he could be a bit demanding).

Scooter was a great comfort to her, she talked to him all the time. He was the baby she always wanted in a world where being a mom to a human felt like a dimming light.. 

When Cassie was restless or in great pain from a recent surgery, we had a few go to calming strategies. We always tried music first, she liked Bob Marley. Next, I would read to her from our favorite book “God Never Blinks: 50 lessons for life’s little detours” by Regina Brett. Cassie would call out a number and I’d read that lesson—we both had our favorites. Our last resort was me humming or singing while her eyes were closed. I’d sing “O-O-H Child” by the Five Starsteps.

“Ooh child, things are gonna get easier…ooh child things’ll get brighter.” Typically she’d fall asleep, probably because she didn’t want to listen to me anymore.

Fast forward, Scooter had gotten some routine vaccines and wasn’t feeling well after. Cassie was cuddling him in her bed. Heading up the stairs, I heard her singing to him

“ooh child things are gonna get easier…” 

My heart melted…She liked my singing! Ok, that was probably a stretch. What that showed me was caring for someone, even when you might be annoying, matters.. She was being a mom to Scooter when he was struggling and letting him know, 

“Someday, yeah. We’ll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun. Someday, when the world is much brighter” 

We snuck Scooter into Cassie’s world whenever we could—the dorm, chemo rooms, the hospital— then he’d lick her face wildly when she came home. He was what she needed. When Cassie was in hospice, he slept faithfully by her side. After she passed, he was my little spoon (and we were a strict “NO DOGS IN BED!” couple.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is when you live in a cancer family, life is full of compromises and negotiations.
Sometimes you don’t get choices.

But sometimes…you do.

And when your “no” becomes a “yes,” and there is no middle to be found, something unexpected happens.
Joy fills in.

So if you’re waiting for permission —
Get the dog.
Heck, get two!

Peace, Love and Kayak

Karen

So many smooches